I don't know what it is, but I just want to crawl in bed and stay there. But instead, I get up and take care of little man. I make him breakfast, get him dressed, play with him, and deal with his constant need to climb on me. Today we ran a few errands where I had to force him to sit in the cart by letting him play with my wallet, he likes to take the cards out & put them in again. We went to the park where he chased after a bird and landed face first in a mud puddle and then played in the sand. We came home and got him changed then ran back out to meet a friend for lunch where I felt guilty for spending money I didn't need to and Connor kept dripping water from a straw all over the table. Then, we came home and I tried for 2 hours to get him down for a nap with no luck. Finally I put on a movie and he falls asleep leaning on me within 15 minutes.
I try so hard every day to make it fun and educational for him, but I struggle. I feel guilty when I leave the tv on too long. I feel guilty when I lose my temper with him. I feel guilty all the time.
I know guilt is part of motherhood. Everyone wants to be the best mom they can. No one is perfect. Part of the joy of being a parent is that those little people need you so very much, for care, food, comfort, guidance. But part of the downside is also that need. It can consume you.
At least when I was working full-time I had adult time. It may not have been fun adult time, but it was something. Now that I'm home, I don't have that as much. Everywhere I go, Connor goes too. I guess it all boils down to a need for more kid-free time. I love my son and wouldn't trade staying home with him for anything, but I need some me time too.
It doesn't help that my husband has been incredibly busy with work and studying for his advancement test lately. The good news is that his test was today so I know I'll get a break soon. Hopefully it will help me break out of this funk.
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3 comments:
Hang in there hun... we have all had those days (all to often in my case w/ 3 little ones)and it does get easier as they get older. As much as I hate to work full time I do enjoy the break sometimes. It will get better, I promise.
Oh, so hard. Hang in there! Today was one of those days for people across the globe, I think. I had one of those days, too.... argh! I hate it. And I can't tell you how many times I've struggled to get Boopie to sleep for two hours just to have her fall asleep in front of the TV.
Guilt is common among mothers, but we don't have to feel guilty! It's something I'm working on in therapy right now. (I go weekly to deal with some persistant post-partum depression issues, plus all the regular life crap) -- and today she said something that really rang true:
No one can make you feel guilty except yourself.
If we feel guilty, we're taking something and embracing it in a way that causes us to feel guilt. We just need to tweak our mindset a bit!
Don't feel guilty. If you're doing the best you can to take care of yourself, of him, of your husband, of everything -- together.... then you're doing fine.
TV time isn't going to stunt him, IMO... but it may save Mommy from too much alone time... in the hospital!
Hi -
I found your blog by clicking through from A Book a Day. Your profile caught my eye because I'm a freelance writer, too. I left a consulting career about 9 years ago to try to slow down a bit and enjoy our sons more. They're now ages 11 and 14 - time flies!
I could relate to your posts about boys and dirt (they never outgrow that, by the way!) and about the difficulty of finding the right balance as a stay-at-home mom and struggling with guilt. I felt the same way when I first started freelance writing, though I enjoyed the extra time with my kids after leading such a hectic life before. I guess I just wanted to tell you that it gets better. When your son starts school - or even preschool - you'll have more time to write and can then give him your full attention when he's home. And then they start to want to play with friends more, too. Things constantly change as a parent, don't they?
Anyway, I'd be interested to hear about what kinds of writing you do. I write reviews for Family Fun magazine, I've had a few essays published, and I'm trying to do more family travel writing (I've had a few short pieces published), but it's hard to break into new markets.
If you're interested, my writing website is at www.suzanjackson.com, my family travel website is www.travelfamily.net, and I also write two book review blogs:
www.bookbybook.blogspot.com
www.greatbooksforkidsandteens.com
Nice to meet you!
Sue
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