I don't know what it is, but I just want to crawl in bed and stay there. But instead, I get up and take care of little man. I make him breakfast, get him dressed, play with him, and deal with his constant need to climb on me. Today we ran a few errands where I had to force him to sit in the cart by letting him play with my wallet, he likes to take the cards out & put them in again. We went to the park where he chased after a bird and landed face first in a mud puddle and then played in the sand. We came home and got him changed then ran back out to meet a friend for lunch where I felt guilty for spending money I didn't need to and Connor kept dripping water from a straw all over the table. Then, we came home and I tried for 2 hours to get him down for a nap with no luck. Finally I put on a movie and he falls asleep leaning on me within 15 minutes.
I try so hard every day to make it fun and educational for him, but I struggle. I feel guilty when I leave the tv on too long. I feel guilty when I lose my temper with him. I feel guilty all the time.
I know guilt is part of motherhood. Everyone wants to be the best mom they can. No one is perfect. Part of the joy of being a parent is that those little people need you so very much, for care, food, comfort, guidance. But part of the downside is also that need. It can consume you.
At least when I was working full-time I had adult time. It may not have been fun adult time, but it was something. Now that I'm home, I don't have that as much. Everywhere I go, Connor goes too. I guess it all boils down to a need for more kid-free time. I love my son and wouldn't trade staying home with him for anything, but I need some me time too.
It doesn't help that my husband has been incredibly busy with work and studying for his advancement test lately. The good news is that his test was today so I know I'll get a break soon. Hopefully it will help me break out of this funk.
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